Mr. Laybourn And His Football Ascot Are Here To Crash Your Party

The scene: Approximately three minutes left in the fourth quarter of the USC/Oregon State game. The Trojans are trailing by 7 points, and USC quarterback Mark Sanchez is preparing to lead his team on the tying drive. USC is ready to score and party on as #1. Until Greg Laybourn shows up.

Sanchez: Alright guys we have to get into the end zone, so we can go home, get to bed as the unanimous #1 and allow Coach Carroll to rack up his 15 minutes of sleep.

USC Offense: We hear ya. Let's get this shit over with, and hope that we can hang on to #1.

Greg Laybourn: Excuse me fellas, do you mind if I join you at your wonderful party?

USC: Uhhh, why don't you take your ascot and get the hell off of our field? Haven't you heard the hype? We're one of the best teams of all time.

Laybourn: Ascot? Why just for that I'm going to take your...uh....uh...actually, I'll take this motherfucking football thank you very much!

Laybourn snatches a Sanchez pass out of the air, and returns the interception back to the USC 2-yard line.

USC: Ahhhhh! Sonuvabitch! Not again!

Coach Carroll: [/tears][/does brain yoga to calm soul]

Oregon State: Screw you USC! We upset you yet again. Choke on our ascots!

Proof, that you should never fuck with a man wearing an ascot.

Urban Meyer's Misguided Anger

Urban Meyer isn't a big fan of the new clock rules in college football. You know, the ones that were supposed to give us, the fans, a more exciting experience, but have really just cut some more time off of the game. Meyer thinks they're "awful", and is upset that they're costing the Gators snaps on the offensive side of the ball.

Florida Coach Urban Meyer is upset at the new clock-rule changes.

After being limited to what he calls 46 competitive plays Saturday against Tennessee, Meyer came out firing Monday about the new 40/25-second and out-of-bounds clock rules that have reduced the number of offensive plays. He called them “awful.”

Unfortunately, Meyer's anger about the reduced number of "competitive plays" in the Tennessee game shouldn't be directed at the clock. Instead, it should be directed at the Vols coaches and players.

They were the ones that robbed the Gators of more snaps on offense by allowing Brandon James to return a punt 78 yards for a touchdown. The Vols also took away more snaps by giving the Gators starting field position on the Tennessee side of the field for 3 out of their 5 scoring drives.

If anyone is to be blamed for robbing Florida of more competitive plays it has to be the Vols. Though, when the score was 20-0 in favor of Florida at the half Meyer had to know that it wasn't going to be a very competitive game.

Saturday Night: Junior T.O. vs. Little Randy

If you thought this weekend's Alabama vs. Georgia game was just another SEC battle you would be partially correct.

It is going to be a knock down, drag out affair, but it's also going to showcase two of the best freshman wide receivers in the country. One, Julio Jones from 'Bama, has been called "Junior T.O.", the other, A.J. Green from Georgia, is known to some as "Little Randy".

And since YouTube videos are worth substantially more than 1,000 words I present you with some highlights of each player(prep). Just sit back, and let their amazing moves soothe your college football soul.





Can't wait for Saturday night now can you? Be patient my friends, you'll be seeing some amazing SEC catches in no time.

Peyton Manning Would Like A Shot At A Gold Medal

Apparently, Peyton Manning did not enjoy seeing Michael Phelps win eight gold medals at the Olympics without being able to do something about it. Oh well, at least he performed better on Saturday Night Live.

Refusing to stand idly by Mr. Manning has decided to put his stamp of approval on a petition to get the Olympic Committee to include American football on its list of sports. And based on his words at weplay.com, it sounds like he's pretty damn serious about the whole thing.



And if you don't agree, then you're obviously being completely bogus.

(In the interest of disclosure, in the e-mail I received pertaining to this I was offered a $25 gift certificate to Eastbay for posting the "widget". However, putting this up for humor far outweighs any credit at Eastbay.)

It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere: Blowout Edition

Since it's Friday, and the end of the workweek for most people, we think that you should be provided with a post that takes the edge off so to speak. Because it's going to be random and hopefully humorous, that means that it won't always be sports related. It will also pop up at any time on Friday.

Sorry, this post is totally unrelated to Johnathan and his salon, and I know that some of you hair afficiandos are devastated(*cough*Jimmy Clausen*cough*). However, it has everything to do with Florida beating Tennessee 59-20 last year. So sit back and enjoy the asswhooping.



Happy Friday!

Bringin' The Wood: UF vs UT

Every year when Florida faces Tennessee I dig up two images from the past that perfectly represent what I want to see the Gators do on the field.

Exhibit A



Exhibit B



Yes, the appropriate response to both is "oooooooh....(silence)...that's gotta fuckin' hurt".

Hopefully Saturday there will be lots of big hits being placed on the Vols. In fact, Tennessee's o-line might want to take extra special care of Johnathan Crompton because who knows how many hits that gimpy ankle will be able to take. With any luck, Jermaine Cunningham will make some appearances in the UT backfield, and if we're lucky he'll pick some sacks and maybe a loose helmet or two.

What To Watch For Wednesday: UF vs UT

Here's a little segment that may or may not show up every Wednesday during the college football season. To start, it's going to focus on some things to watch for during the UF vs UT game.

Who will replace C.I.? This game is probably going to be the first one where Florida could struggle with the loss of Cornelius Ingram. Sure, they have a ton of playmakers, but in last year's contest C.I. tallied 3 receptions for 56 yards and caught one of Tebow's two passing touchdowns. I have no doubt that Hernandez and Casey can put up similar stats, and hopefully they'll answer the call should Tebow need them for some crucial plays.

Is this when Emmanuel Moody breaks out? Seriously, is he still on the team? He's gotten two carries so far this season, eventhough Coach Meyer was seemingly touting him as the feature back during the spring. However, even with those paltry stats a part of me can't help but feel that Meyer is waiting for just the right moment to unleash him. It just seems like it's a big secret that only the team knows about, and after he runs for a good amount of yards and some scores they'll be telling all the reporters about how they had to keep it on the DL. Though, after last year's shenanigans it might not be unveiled until the Georgia game.

Will Florida's rushing Medusa outgain the Vols' tandem? Foster and Hardesty are strong runners, and we all know how important the rushing stats are in this series. But will they be able to put up more yards than a group that's made up of Tebow, Harvin, Demps, Rainey, James, Moore and possibly Moody? That's a lot of bodies to throw at a team in the rush game, and a lot of different looks that can be used to trick the defense. Even more than the amount that the Gators had last year when they won 59-20.

Can Florida's secondary remain scorch free? Last season, Florida's secondary should have been playing in Nomex jerseys because they got burnt constantly. If there's one bright spot it's that when Jonathan Crompton came in last year against the Gators he went 2-for-5 with an INT. UT's receiving corps isn't quite as strong as past seasons, though, the opposition's talent hasn't always had to be high in order for Florida to give up big passing numbers. This year the unit does seem much more cohesive, and there's no doubt that they can ballhawk sideline to sideline.

All in all, it should be another exciting SEC opener for both teams. Florida seemingly is the more talented team, and should pull out a win. Hopefully even better than the 39 point drubbing they dropped on the Vols last year.

The Minnesota Vikings, A Great Team In Need Of A Good Quarterback

As a Dolphins fan I can sympathize with my buddy Eric that is a Vikings fan. For years it seemed like Miami was one good running back away from making a legit Super Bowl run. Then, when they finally had a solid running game, the passing game went to hell. And unfortunately it's remained that way for quite a few years(though, now the team sort of sucks all over).

Anyway, this was supposed to be Minnesota's year. The defense was revamped, and looked imposing(at least on paper), and the running game was dominant last year. However, the passing game left something to be desired, and through the first two games of the season it's still that way.

I hate to say it, but Tarvaris Jackson is not the answer at quarterback for this year's Vikings team. This team has been built to win now. Not be managed by a quarterback project that head coach Brad Childress is too proud(or stupid) to put on the shelf for at least the short term. Jackson didn't play much Division 1 football(he transferred after Matt Jones was named the starter at Arkansas), and while he does have raw talent he does not have the experience or intellect at the present time to master reading NFL defenses at the speed it requires. It's hard enough for the guys who excelled at the premier Division 1 colleges to do(*cough*Leinart*cough*), and even harder for the guys who didn't face that type of opposition week in and week out.

The bad thing is that there aren't a lot of options out there right now. Jeff Garcia may be done in Tampa, but I doubt that the Bucs are going to let him go to Minnesota. They could try to lure Jake Plummer out of retirement by offering to work out a deal for his rights. They could even try to bring back Culpepper(how much worse than T-Jack could he be?).

One thing is certain, they need to get this quarterback problem figured out immediately, or they'll end up just like my Dolphins teams that always seemed to be one piece away from being serious contenders.

Let The Hate Begin: UF vs Tennessee

So, we're officially on the second day of UF vs Tennessee week, and I thought that it would be a good time to get it going here.

After all, Percy Harvin seems to be ready for the game, so we all should be ready for the game. In fact, Mr. Harvin may be more ready for this game than any of them between 10th grade and now:

After missing the spring and most of the preseason recovering from heel surgery, Harvin said he’s 100 percent now and feeling better than he ever has in his Florida career. Better than he has in a long time.

When asked when was the last time he’s felt this good, Harvin said, “My 10th grade in high school. (The heel) has been nagging me since high school. I did the long jump and played basketball and ran track. All those years it was tearing the bone in my heel. We’ve got it all figured out now. I feel 100 times better.”

Yeah, so all of those plays where he made some moves and outran the defense? He wasn't at 100%. Including last year's Tennessee game where he had 75 yards rushing(20 of which came on the play below...down in front!) and 120 yards receiving.




Honestly, at this point the scariest thing about the Vols is Eric Berry. But he isn't going to be putting points on the scoreboard(hopefully), so he's not as threatening as a gamebreaking receiver or running back. Though, Foster and Hardesty are a good tandem.

If all goes well, the Gators will be tallying up another win against Tennessee. The fourth straight for Coach Meyer since he beat them 16-7 back in 2005.

North Korea Wanted To Get Him A Body Bag!(Literally)

This might not involve Johnny and The Karate Kid, but it's every bit as serious. Apparently, North Korean spies infiltrated the International Taekwondo Federation in the 80's, and attempted to use it as a tool to assassinate South Korean President Chun Doo Hwan.

The Korea Times quoted Choi Jung-hwa, son of the late Choi Hong-hi who founded the International Taekwondo Federation (ITF) in 1966, as saying North Korea ordered overseas ITF masters, including himself, to assassinate President Chun Doo Hwan.

"After taking control of the ITF, the North trained spies and sent them overseas, disguising them as taekwondo masters," the Korea Times quoted Choi as telling reporters on his return to South Korea on Monday after living overseas for 34 years.

The Korea Times quoted Choi as saying he plotted to kill Chun on a visit to Canada in 1982, but Canadian police got wind of the plan and Choi fled to North Korea.

Damn, it sounds like the North Koreans were planning on doing more than just sweeping the leg.

Ocho...Ah Screw It...That's A Lot Of Money

So Chad Johnson legally changed his last name to "Ocho Cinco", and thought it would be a breeze to get the NFL to allow him to sport it on the back of his jersey. Well, that plan just hit a snag. A $4+ million snag.

"Don't expect to see Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco wearing his new name on a jersey anytime soon. CNBC's Darren Rovell reports on his blog that the former Mr. Johnson would be forced to buy out the stock of the 100,000 remaining "C. Johnson" jerseys before making the switch to "Ocho Cinco". If Reebok asked Ocho Cinco to pay for the cost of making the unsold jerseys, the total could reach upwards of $4 million (or $50 million pesos)."

Haha, that is awesome. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed some of Johnson's antics, but lately it seems that's he grasping at straws and not doing it to solicit laughs. I have no problem with a little showboating if it's good-natured and fun, but when it borders on pathetic I like to see it get shutdown. I guess we'll have to wait and see if sporting "Ocho Cinco" on the back of his jersey is really worth that much to Chad "Hugh" Johnson.