Mr. Laybourn And His Football Ascot Are Here To Crash Your Party

The scene: Approximately three minutes left in the fourth quarter of the USC/Oregon State game. The Trojans are trailing by 7 points, and USC quarterback Mark Sanchez is preparing to lead his team on the tying drive. USC is ready to score and party on as #1. Until Greg Laybourn shows up.

Sanchez: Alright guys we have to get into the end zone, so we can go home, get to bed as the unanimous #1 and allow Coach Carroll to rack up his 15 minutes of sleep.

USC Offense: We hear ya. Let's get this shit over with, and hope that we can hang on to #1.

Greg Laybourn: Excuse me fellas, do you mind if I join you at your wonderful party?

USC: Uhhh, why don't you take your ascot and get the hell off of our field? Haven't you heard the hype? We're one of the best teams of all time.

Laybourn: Ascot? Why just for that I'm going to take your...uh....uh...actually, I'll take this motherfucking football thank you very much!

Laybourn snatches a Sanchez pass out of the air, and returns the interception back to the USC 2-yard line.

USC: Ahhhhh! Sonuvabitch! Not again!

Coach Carroll: [/tears][/does brain yoga to calm soul]

Oregon State: Screw you USC! We upset you yet again. Choke on our ascots!

Proof, that you should never fuck with a man wearing an ascot.

The University of South Carolina Pays Remembrance To Tragedy

Roughly two weeks ago, a horrible beach house fire in Ocean Isle Beach, N.C. killed seven college students, six from South Carolina and one from Clemson. Due to the severity of the tragedy, and its occurence so close to the Clemson vs. South Carolina game on November 24, the Gamecocks have canceled their annual "Tigerburn" rally.

It's a tradition that's been ongoing since 1909, and was started as a way to quell a "disagreement" after the 1902 game.

In the 1902 game, Carolina defeated Clemson 12-8, marking Carolina's first victory against Clemson since the teams' inaugural game in 1896.

The same day of the win, a local Columbia tobacco merchant displayed a transparency illustrating a crowing gamecock over a battered tiger in front of his store. Elated Carolina students marched the banner up and down Main Street, gloating over their triumph as a way to retaliate against Clemson students, who marched through Columbia with garnet and black cloth around their shoes after their previous wins against Carolina.

Carolina students planned to carry the banner in the Elks parade the next day. Clemson students swore they would steal the banner if it were part of the parade. Following this threat, Columbia authorities requested that the Carolina students not parade the banner, but the students refused.

Carolina students carried the banner in the parade, and about 400 Clemson students advanced on the Horseshoe armed with sabers and bayonets on a mission to seize the banner. But 30 Carolina students were armed with pistols and rifles and were ready to defend the banner.

But before gunshots could be fired, police arrived and a joint committee of faculty members and students from both colleges was created for peaceful negotiations.

The committee decided to burn the banner, which was responsible for provoking the hostility.

Ironically, Clemson and Carolina students stood together, side by side, during the first Tigerburn as they watched the banner turn to ashes.

It is sad that such a storied tradition won't be carried out for the game, but cancelling it shows USC's commitment to remembering the students that perished in the tragic fire. Hopefully both sides can use it as a healing mechanism, and it turns out to be a good, clean game.

College Recruits, We Get Older But They Stay The Same Age(Or Get Younger)

For the second year in a row, the University of Southern California has locked up a talented eight-grade prospect. Yes, that's right, Tim Floyd went all to "Catch A Predator" again and sweet talked Ryan Boatwright, a kid who hasn't even played a game on a high school court. Oh, what's that, you didn't realize that Tim Floyd was the middle school version of a "basketball predator"? Well, last year he persuaded Dwayne Polee Jr. to give him a little oral commitment. I guess someone's going to have to tell Floyd that he has to re-register as a predator since he moved from New Orleans. Chris Hansen is a good option.


Seeing as how two eighth-graders have committed to playing college basketball in the past two years, and how competitive recruiting has become, I thought it would be a good idea to examine some of the other prospects that could be committing in the upcoming months. So, here are five recruits that are currently terrorizing the sandbox, swingset and recess street hoops games.

Jonathan Moses, 6th grade, 5'10"/135lbs. Prospective colleges: Florida, Washington, Duke. Moses is a gifted "big man". He already dwarfs most of his classmates at close to six feet tall, and he never gets picked last in any pickup games. He has to improve his footwork, and work on quitting sucking his thumb between timeouts. Florida is the leading candidate because they believe that they've found a player with Joakim Noah's..ahem.."skills".

Donnie "Double QP" Walters, 7th grade, 5'3"/155lbs. Prospective colleges: St. John's, Syracuse, Pittsburgh. Walters is the definitive "lane clogger". Hell, he's been clogging school toilets since 2nd grade. His conditioning is poor, and he doesn't have a very good jumpshot. However, he can box out and bang down low with the best of them, and his ability to snatch rebounds is impressive given the amount of weight he has to move. St. John's is the current leader in the recruiting race due to Manhattan having the highest concentration of McDonald's in the world. Yeah, that "QP" stands for quarter pounder, a staple of Donnie's diet.

Winston "Wrist Rocket" Madison, 5th grade, 4'9"/80lbs. Prospective colleges: Duke, Texas A&M, Ohio State. Madison has excellent court vision, and supreme passing skills. He's garnered the "Wrist Rocket" nickname because of the way he can thread the needle with passes during one recess session, and then knock out the entire class in dodgeball during the next one. He's also got good quickness, and can take every challenger he's faced off the dribble. Though, he's only competed against a pretty weak selection of private school opponents. Duke is favored to grab him because of his equally impressive academic achievements, and his propensity to drink too much apple cider, pop the collar on his Polo shirt, and drive his Little Tykes Hummer H2. Welcome to Durham, J.J. Redick Jr.!


Jermaine Jordan, 8th grade, 5'5"/125lbs. Prospective colleges: UNC, Texas, Arizona. Jordan is the consumate slasher/scorer, and his career average to date of 18ppg reflects that. He can take opponents off the dribble, and utilizes screens and picks effectively. He can be lazy on the defensive end at times, and relies on his athletic ability too much instead of sharpening his skills as a defender. Because of his last name he draws obvious comparisons to MJ. UNC is in the lead because they see a future "Air Jordan".


James "Old Man" Olsen, 5th grade, 5'9"/130lbs. Prospective colleges: Ohio State, LSU, UMass. Yes, that's Olsen's class photo from 5th grade. He can post-up down low, and has enough mobility to move in and out of the paint with the ball. He also has to shave twice a day. Ohio State is currently leading the recruiting battle due to their strength in recruiting players that look 50 years older than they actually are.

So there you have it. Just a few of the recruits that you could see signed by D-1 schools in the next few months as the recruiting wars heat up. However, the colleges better be careful not get caught up by Chris Hansen.

I'm Chris Hansen with NBC Dateline, exactly what were you looking for by coming here...

The Mitch Mustain Saga Is Over, For Now

In case you haven't been following the misadventures of Mitch Mustain, Gus Malzahn, Houston Nutt, Arkansas Razorbacks fans/alumni and a number of other individuals here's a quick rundown.

Mustain was a highly touted high school QB that played for a high school in Springdale, Arkansas. His high school coach, Malzahn was hired as offense coordinator at Arkansas, and Mustain, along with a few of his teammates(remember the name Damian Williams), decided to go to Arkansas. The first intriguing part of this story is that Mustain had actually decommitted from Arkansas, but then recommitted when Malzahn got hired. Also, Williams had seemingly been a lock for the Gators, but appeared to change his mind when Malzahn made the move to Arkansas.

Throw in some scandalous e-mails from a booster(Teresa Prewett) to Mustain, use of the FOIA to get the cellphone records of Nutt, Malzahn leaving for a coaching job at Tulsa, and two of the Springdale recruits, Mustain and Williams, asking to be granted transfers and you have a very basic synopsis of these crazy events.

Seriously, if you want in-depth coverage do yourself a favor and check out Orson and Stranko's take on it at EDSBS. Es muy bueno!

Anyway, Mustain has been granted his wish and he's transferring to USC. He'll be reunited with Williams who also transferred to the Pete Carroll school of points and abs.

So, for now at least, the Mustain part of the saga in Fayetteville is over, though it will be interesting to see if USC and Arkansas square off again while he's out in Southern California.