Friday, February 02, 2007

ESPN's "Celebrity" Super Bowl Picks

In case you forgot, there's a big football game this weekend. No, it's not the "Puppy Bowl" damn it! It's the Super Bowl, and even if you don't like football you should watch it because that's the American thing to do. You don't want to appear to be supporting the terrorists do you? Anyway, ESPN asked a bunch of "celebrities" who they thought was going to win.


Some of the more interesting "celebrities" include:

GEN. MICHAEL V. HAYDEN (Director of the CIA)
Colts, 27-14. My wife, a Chicagoan, has adopted my beloved Steelers with all the zeal of a convert. So my heart has to go with the Bears. But the best intelligence still says Colts, if they can master the outdoors.

Best intelligence? Forget what I said about supporting terrorists. If we're using the CIA's resources to predict a winner, then we've already lost that war.

BILL O'REILLY (FOX talk show host)
Colts, 31-10.

That's all we get? I'm really surprised he didn't talk dirty for a second, then start yelling how Lovie Smith and the Bears are eroding the moral fiber of this country with their Super Bowl Shuffling. Though he and Tank Johnson probably have similar views on gun control.

BOBBY PLUMP (His winning shot for Milan High in 1954 inspired the movie "Hoosiers")
Colts, 34-24. I think Indianapolis has too much offense.

Yeah, when they take more time explaining who you are than you do on your pick, then you're not really a "celebrity".

The guy with the bad thumb, Peyton Manning, it's his time.

I don't know what's funnier. That they actually asked Phyllis Diller, or that Peyton Manning is known as "the guy with the bad thumb". Classic.

DR. JOYCE BROTHERS (Psychologist)
Colts, 31-17. Peyton Manning will win to inspire his younger brother (N.Y. Giants quarterback Eli).

Riiight. Or he might win so that he can laugh at his brother, and rub it in like he's probably done their entire lives. Analyze that one Joyce.

JERRY MATHERS (Actor, "Leave it to Beaver")
Bears, 20-17. Peyton Manning has always been shaky in the playoffs. I think defense wins the game. The Bears because of their defense are going to win it.

Finally, some real insight, and it comes from "The Beaver" of all places.

HALEY JOEL OSMENT (Actor who has picked the last seven Super Bowl winners) Colts, 31-24. I've been a big Peyton Manning fan for a while and I think it's finally his time.

Seriously? Is their some type of verification on this? I checked Snopes but found nothing. Haley, how's your regular season record(I need a bigger TV)?

Bears, 24-14. It's gonna be a fascinating game, as all Super Bowls are.

Yeah, Tampa beating down Oakland a few years ago was real fascinating

Colts, 17-14. The score will be 14-14 and go into overtime, and the Colts will win on a field goal.

Is that his way of saying that Adam Vinatieri is divine?

Colts by two touchdowns.

Chicago must have more gay fans, either that or he's confused Tinky Winky with the Bears mascot.

KENDRA WILKINSON (Hugh Hefner's girlfriend, "The Girls Next Door")
Colts, 27-13. I think it's their year. They stepped it up in the playoffs. I think Peyton Manning has it in his heart. I don't want to see him turn out to be another Dan Marino.

I can hear the Dan putting his fist through a desk right now.

MAMIE VAN DOREN (Legendary sex symbol)
The Bears because they are BAD!

Does legendary sex symbol mean you've slept with a lot of people? At least she's adamant that the Bears are bad in that good sort of way.

PHIL JACKSON (L.A. Lakers coach)
Bears, 20-15. Defense wins. This Bears team is like Tampa Bay was in 2001 or 2. Can you remember their quarterback?

Speaking of Tampa versus Oakland...there's the zenmaster we all know and love.

BOB COUSY (Hall of Fame NBA guard)
Colts, 37-12. I think it's finally Peyton Manning's turn. On a neutral court go with the Colts.

Yes Bob, the Colts may very well win a basketball game, but uh this is the Super Bowl of football.

WAYNE NEWTON (Actor/singer)
Bears, 21-7. How you can go against the Monsters of the Midway defense? I've given some of my best performances in Chicago. It's always been my kind of town!

Best performances? That really means "I've scored a ton of ass in the Windy City".

DICK VAN PATTEN (Actor/entrepreneur)
Colts, 31-21. A better quarterback will make all the difference. The Colts have a natural balance of offense and defense. Hmm, "natural balance." That's a good name for a company.

Didn't stash away enough of that acting money did ya Dick?

TOBIN BELL (Actor, "Saw")
Colts, 31-6. My hunch is this is Peyton's year and that the football gods will shine on the Colts on Sunday.

Robertson and Falwell got to ya didn't they?

BUZZ ALDRIN (Astronaut)
Colts, 28-17. The Colts have more horse power. Besides, I'd rather have lucky horseshoes on the mantle than a bear's claw.

Haha, horsepower, good one. Though I have no idea why Buzz would store his doughnuts on a mantle.

LEAH REMINI (Actress, "The King of Queens")
Colts, 34-23. Well, basically, that is what my husband said, so I am going with him.

Hmmm, did your husband say anything about you swinging by my place later on?

Colts, 31-20, because of Peyton Manning.

If Jesus says it, then it must be true.

RUSSELL JOHNSON (The Professor, "Gilligan's Island")
I don't think there's any doubt that Indianapolis should win. Colts by 10 points.

Yeah, because you did a great job getting everyone off that island.

BARRY WILLIAMS (Greg Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
Colts, 27-17. Fewer incarcerated players and Colts can run faster than Bears.

Good thing neither the Bengals, nor the Chargers made it then.

ADAM WEST (Actor, "Batman")
Colts, 28-24. I feel like Aaron Moorehead's dad, Emery. He played for the Bears you know, and Aaron is a Colts receiver. I'm kinda torn. But I feel its gotta be Peyton Manning's turn. 28-24.

I have no idea what Batman is trying to say here. Did Adam West play the Joker at one point or something?

Colts, 35-24. I would have a better chance just flipping a coin on this game, but if I had to choose I would say the Colts will beat the stats and the Bears.

Vanilla Ice! Uh, "beat the stats", what does that mean exactly.

Since my wife is from Indy and I value not sleeping on the couch, I'll pick the Colts, 35-23. Besides, their offense has Velcro hands and the defense has discovered their fast feet in Tony D time. And if Peyton can't go, Jim Sorgi will step up impressively.

I was following along with the whole couch thing, but that Sorgi reference totally blew it.

And here are a few that I thought were the best:

I don't care. The Patriots aren't in it. That is my team.

I'm sure Marky Mark would appreciate it if everyone used that thinking when considering whether or not to see one of his movies.

TOM SCHOLZ (Rock star, Boston)
With the Pats eliminated maybe they should drop "Super Sunday" and just call it "Pretty Good Sunday." Plus, I was really hoping for the Saints. But seriously, with two unstoppable offenses taking turns, it should still be an exciting game. I'm saying Bears by 11.

Even more animosity from Patriots' fans. No wonder people hate that team.

AL FRANKEN (Radio talk show host)
Bears, 21-20. They're in the NFC North. Any team that can get past the Vikings can beat anybody.

Haha, that Franken is always hilarious.

SCOTT ADAMS (Dilbert cartoonist)
Colts, 21-7. A common question high-tech companies ask in interviews is, "If a bear fought a colt, which one would win?" Considering speed, height, and kicking reach, I have to go with the colt. And if Peyton Manning is riding the colt, its chances are even better.

I guess he didn't get a chance to check out the Colt vs Bear internet film series.

IAN McSHANE (Actor, "Deadwood")
Bears, because I like Chicago. 38-35 will be the score, but not necessarily of this game.

Aldrin and West got to ya, didn't they?

MARISOL NICHOLS (Actress, "24")
Bears, 24-20. I think they will win because, they're from Chicago, and because they haven't had a trip to the Super Bowl since the 80's. They're due.

Please tell me that someone followed up with "well, when was the last time Indy played in a Super Bowl?"

PAM SHRIVER (Former tennis star)
Bears, 28-17. My reason is simple. I am a Baltimore native and still hold a HUGE grudge that the Colts left and took the name.

ALFRED RASCON (Retired Army Major, Vietnam War Medal of Honor recipient)
Bears, 21-14. After the midnight exodus of the Baltimore Colts, I support anybody except the (Indianapolis) Colts.

Wow, you two sound more pissed off than the Patriots' fans.

PENN & TELLER (Magicians/comedians)
Colts, 28-17. Because if you add 28 and 17, you get 43. Add 4 and 3, and you get 7. Which is Mickey Mantle's number. We like Peyton Manning. We've heard he has a monkey.

And what was Teller doing while Penn was hogging the microphone?

SHEILA KELLEY (Actress/entrepreneur)
Colts, 28-21. Colts are great for horseback riding if they've been well broken and I'm definitely into the equestrian sports. Bears are unpredictable and quite frightening if encountered in a dark wooded area alone. And I've never heard of bearback ride, although I have done a little bareback riding!

Now, that's what I'm talking about! Though, you might want to be careful Sheila because I've heard that there's a herpes outbreak going around.