Super Bowl Wars: The Evil Empire Strikes Back

Darth Brady, upset with his performance against Eli Manwalker and Han Plaxico, has decided to strike back with a vengeance. In the meantime, Manwalker and Han Plaxico are diagraming their next course of action. While doing so Manwalker feels faint, like the pressure to perform has become too much. That's when he hears Obi-Wan Coughlin speaking to him.


Obi-Wan: Eli..Eli..

Eli: Coach?

Obi-Wan: You have to keep your head in the game son. Quit staring at your wristwatch! Have faith in your training and trust your teammates.

Just then, Han Plaxico seemingly arrives out of nowhere and helps bail out Eli Manwalker yet again.

Soon, Darth Brady and his team engage Eli Manwalker, Han Plaxico, Strahbacca and their teammates in battle. Though, Darth Brady and the Foxborough Stormtroopers appear to be much stronger and unbeatable, Manwalker and his crew are able to achieve some success and frustrate their opponents.

Eventually, Darth Brady's commander, Emperor Belichick who is also a powerful Sith Lord, has a few choice words with him.



Darth Brady: What is the plan, master?

Emperor Belichick: There is a great disturbance on the field.

Darth Brady: I have felt it.

Belichick: Our new enemy has become powerful. His ability to utilize The Force efficiently has become evident. Is there any way we can shut him down?

Darth Brady: He will submit to defeat or die!

With that, Emperor Belichick leaves Darth Brady to continue his battle.

Meanwhile, Eli Manwalker seeks assistance. He still hasn't become fully confident in his abilities, and needs some help realizing that he can perform on the field.


Eli: Holy shit! Wellington Yarda? I thought you were dead?

Yarda: Wrong you were. I've just moved onto a different plane.

Eli: Yarda, I need help. I know that I'm capable of special things, but my lack of confidence dooms me. Well that, and the ridicule that I have to endure.

Yarda: No attention must you pay to those fucksticks young Manwalker. Look where your abilities have gotten you now. Able to defeat the Evil Empire you are.

Eli: I know that I'm capable, but I always find a way to screw things up.

Yarda: Screw this up you better not, or I'll shove this walking stick up your ass.

Eli: You're right Yarda, I can't screw this up. No one is expecting me and my teammates to win, so all the pressure is on my opponents. Thanks for helping me realize my true potential.

Yarda: Humiliate Darth Brady and Emperor Belichick you must. Help the '72 Dolphins you will.

And with that, Yarda leaves Manwalker so that he may fulfill his destiny.

Soon thereafter, Manwalker engages Darth Brady in battle yet again. While Darth Brady seems to be much more skilled and powerful, Manwalker is determined to put up a good fight.

Brady: The Force is with you young Manwalker. But you are not an SB winning Jedny just yet.

Manwalker and Brady continue to battle. This time, Manwalker is able to move freely and is consistently achieving success.

Brady: You have learned much, young one.

Manwalker: You'll find that I'm full of surprises!

Brady: Your destiny lies with me Manwalker. Obi-Wan Coughlin knew this to be true.

With that, Brady leads an attack that makes Manwalker weak. It's apparent that he's still the stronger of the two.

Brady: That was too easy. Perhaps you're not as strong as Emperor Belichick had believed.

Just then Manwalker leads his own counterattack that rivals anything he's ever done.

Brady: Most impressive. Obi-Wan Coughlin has taught you well. You've controlled your fear, now release your anger.

Manwalker and Brady continue to battle. Will Manwalker be able to defeat the powerful Darth Brady? Find out in part 2 of Super Bowl Wars: The Evil Empire Strikes Back.

Super Bowl Wars: A New Hope(cont'd)

In our last installment of Super Bowl Wars, Obi-Wan Coughlin, Eli Manwalker, C3PK and R2G2 stopped at the spaceport to look for a pilot.

Eli: Do you really think we'll find a pilot here?

Obi-Wan: Well, some of the best pilots can be found here. So we'll just have to look around. Let's try that Gentleman's Club over there.

After a brief scuffle inside the club with some bouncers, Eli is introduced to Strahbacca.



Obi-Wan Coughlin: Eli, this is Strahbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that could transport us.

Strahbacca guides Obi-Wan Coughlin and Eli Manwalker over to meet the captain of the Meadowlands Eagle, Han Plaxico.


Han: So you need to get to Glendale huh? I can help you out with that.

Obi-Wan: Really? Will you be able to break through the Empire's defense, and help us attain victory?

Han: Of course! I predict that we'll be able to defeat them no problem.

Obi-Wan: That's pretty bold. The Empire is undefeated you know.

Han: Yeah, but everyone has to lose at some point. Besides, I've given them problems in the past.

Obi-Wan: Ok, we'll use you. Where should we meet?

Han: Runway #17. Don't be late.

Obi-Wan and Eli take off to gather up C3PK and R2G2. Han Plaxico and Strahbacca leave to prepare the ship. Soon they are off to Glendale, but before reaching their destination they encounter Foxborough Stormtroopers and have to do battle. Obi-Wan seperates from the group so that he can engage his former pupil, Darth Brady, in battle.


Darth Brady: I've been waiting for you Obi-Wan Coughlin. We meet again, at last. I will achieve victory because I am the master.

Obi-Wan Coughlin: Only a master of evil, Darth Brady.

Obi-Wan and Darth engage in battle. Darth Brady using his athletic skills and charm, while Obi-Wan Coughlin diagrams it up in his head and proceeds with a gruff confidence. They continue to battle until Obi-Wan Coughlin, sensing that he must give up his fight so that Eli Manwalker can thrive, allows Darth Brady to cut him down.

Eli Manwalker: No!

Manwalker and Han Plaxico fire at the Foxborough Stormtroopers that have advanced toward the Meadowlands Eagle. However, they quickly realize that it's futile and decide to take off.

After some time Eli Manwalker and his teammates realize that they have to destroy the Oline Star in order to take out Darth Brady. Eli battles his way through adversity, and drops a bomb with the help of Han Plaxico. Together, they've helped demoralize and destroy Darth Brady and his Oline Star. However, they both know that this war is far from over.

Coming tomorrow, Super Bowl Wars: The Evil Empire Strikes Back.

Super Bowl Wars: A New York Hope(Cont'd)

When we last left Eli Manwalker he was heading out to chase down one of this new droids, R2G2, that had gone on the hunt for his owner, Obi-Wan Coughlin.
The trio encounter some Fanpeople and an Oaktown Raider, but are rescued by Obi-Wan Coughlin.

Eli: What happened?

Obi-Wan: Just relax. You tried to do too much again, and almost fucked everything up. You know forcing things and whatnot.

Eli: Tom? Tom Coughlin? I am sure glad to see you!



Obi-Wan: What are you doing here son? I can't believe that you've made it this far.

Eli: Well, this droid seems to be looking for his owner, and he thinks that he belongs to you.

Obi-Wan: Well, we better hurry back to my place before we're accosted again.


Obi-Wan Coughlin, Eli Manwalker and the two droids head back to Coughlin's place. It's a dark room with a desk, an archaic film projecter, a blackboard and a whip. Obi-Wan proceeds to tell Eli about his father.

Obi-Wan: He was the best star-qb in the galaxy. I understand that you've become a pretty good qb yourself. Which reminds me that I have something for you. Here, this is for your.

Obi-Wan Coughlin hands Eli Manwalker a leather wrapped device with some laces on it

Eli: What is it?

Obi-Wan: It's your father's pigskinsaber. He was very skilled with it. You use it to take out your opponents.

Eli: How did my father die?

Obi-Wan: He was killed by a young Jedny. One who had been seduced by the darkside of The Force.

R2G2 lets out some beeps which draws Obi-Wan's attention.

Obi-Wan: Alright little fella, let's see if we can figure out what you are.

Eli: Earlier he played this message...

Obi-wan: It appears that I've found it.

R2G2 projects the same image of the '72 Dolphins from before, but this time the message is much longer.

'72 Dolphins: Coach Coughlin, weeks ago you almost ended the reign of the Empire. You were so close, yet fell just short. Now it is up to you again to defeat the Empire, and keep our records intact. Help us Obi-Wan Coughlin you're our only hope.

Obi-Wan: You muct learn the ways of the Force if you're to accompany me to Glendale.

Eli: Glendale?!? I'm not going to Glendale! I've got Double Stuf Oreos to consume!

Obi-Wan: Do what you feel is right, Eli.

Obi-Wan, Eli, C3PK and R2G2 head out after Eli discovers that his uncle Archie has been killed by Foxborough Troops. They arrive at the spaceport to look for a pilot.


To be cont'd...

Tom Coughlin's Kicker Woes

Tom Coughlin's kicker almost cost his Giants a shot at the Super Bowl yesterday. However, it wasn't the first time that Coughlin's Giants have experienced some problems in that department.

Last year, they went into their matchup against the Chicago Bears with a 6-2 record, and as one of the best teams in the NFC up to that point. They were trailing the Bears by just four points when Coughlin decided to attempt a 52-yard field goal. That's when this happened...



The Giants ended up losing the game, and five of the next seven. They did make the playoffs, but were bounced in the first round by the Eagles.

Maybe that's why Coughlin's face was so red yesterday. He couldn't get the thought that his kicker was going to lose the game for him out of his head.