Bode Miller, Your New Starting Outfielder

The Nashua Pride of the Can-Am League put on "Bode Miller Night" on Saturday(July 29) night. He showed up in the outfield and actually made a great catch near the wall(surprisingly it's not on YouTube yet). However, he went 0-2 if I remember the graphic correctly as I passed by ESPN, and quickly went back to see if Miller had any any postgame comments regarding inebriation.

Maybe the Royals should sign him up. They're already dabbling in minor league tactics.

Yes, Tiger Woods is Amazing

I'm not going to pretend that I'm a big golf fan. I think it has to do with the fact that when I was younger, and actually used to play golf, I had somewhat of a short temper. Invariably I would shank a drive on one of the first few holes, miss an easy putt, and come this close(my thumb and index finger are very close together right now) to tossing my clubs into a water hazard. In hindsight, I probably should have stuck with it because by now I might be halfway decent, and able to make a little money doing it.

Regardless, Nike has a "swing portrait" of Tiger Woods. It was apparently taken with some technologically advanced digital camera(but cell phones still don't work that well), and is extremely badass.

I might not enjoy watching or playing golf, but I can say that Tiger is amazing at what he does. Don't let his crying stop ya. Watch the video, and be prepared to realize you probably won't be as good at anything as Tiger is at golf.

Chris Mortensen, ESPN Mobile's Savior?

Ok, we can all admit that ESPN's venture into the cell phone industry hasn't really played out too well. Deadspin.com has been keeping a running tally of sorts pertaining to the failure, and several financial analysts have suggested that ESPN should just pull the plug altogether. However, it seems that ESPN is pulling out all of the stops to try and right the ship.

They're actually advertising a contest whereby the lucky winner gets to have Mort present at their fantasy draft. Or so you think. The fine print includes a clause that states "Chris Mortensen's appearance is subject to availability. If Chris Mortensen is unavailable to attend event for any reason, an alternate personality as determined solely by Sponsor will participate in his absence."

So, maybe Mort has a round of golf with Boomer that day, and he can't make it, so ESPN decides to send Mel Kiper Jr. Not a bad substitution. But Kiper is busy changing the oil in his hair...er...SUV, and he won't be able to make it either. The bigwigs at ESPN, who were smart enough to go through with ESPN Mobile to begin with, figure that maybe John "The Professor" Clayton could assist you. The only problem is that he and Sean Salisbury are involved(*ALLEGEDLY*) in some post-brokeback cuddling, and neither of them will be there to tell you who to draft(definitely Ricky Williams).

Eventually, the ESPN higher-ups have thumbed through their entire rolodex, but they remember about someone they removed from their Blackberries long ago. Yep, you guessed it, Stephen A. Smith! Soon, he's on his way to your house to yell at you about something he has no knowledge of(just like "Quite Frankly").

Seriously, if it gets that far just ask for a bottle of Kiper's hair grease, one of Boomer's old sportcoats, some footage from the cutting room floor of "Bonds on Bonds" and call it a night. Besides, do you really want Mort, or Stephen A. to know where you live?

Actually, I might sign up for this thing just so I can sport a "Your With Me, Leather" t-shirt while some ESPN "personality" laments the fact that he's been reduced to directing fantasy football drafts.

THIS Is How Much The Royals Suck

Last night, the Kansas City Royals held a 4-0 lead over the AL East leading Boston Red Sox going into the seventh inning. The Royals ended up losing, 5-4, which isn't surprising considering they're currently the worst team in the league.

What is surprising, and highlights their mediocrity, is that they allowed David Ortiz to steal second base. "Big Papi" is definitely not known for his base stealing, or even base running skills, but he racked up his sixth career steal last night.

Oh the joys of being a Royals fan.

I heard Ortiz even slowed down midway between first and second, and was still able to steal the base. Any truth? YouTube footage?

Rocky Sex...er...Six

Recently, the hype surrounding the new "Rocky" movie has intensified because of the release of the trailer. I'm still hoping that it's subtitled "A Geriatric Ass-Whippin' Tale", but I won't hold my breath.

Until then I hope everyone remembers that Stallone got his start in a seemingly(I've never seen it) softcore, though triple-X rated, movie. Its original title was "The Party at Kitty and Stud's" where Stallone played "Stud" of course. The movie was reissued under the title "Itallian Stallion" after Stallone got famous.

Hopefully movie fans everywhere will chant "Stud" when Stallone is laying on the canvas trying to summon the energy to get up and defeat Apollo Creed..er..Clubber Lang..er..Drago..uh..Tommy Gunn..hmmm..who's he fighting again?

Next Year's NFL Combine: 40 Yard Stab'N'Dash

First, thanks to ProFootballTalk.com for updates on this story. They do a very good job at breaking many stories before the "big" news outlets do, and a very good job at explaining some of the more complex issues like the salary cap, CBA, etc.

This past Sunday(July 9th) night Roderick Green, a third year linebacker for the Ravens, was stabbed as he was leaving a Baltimore County bowling facility. The story is that Green and another man accidently bumped into each, some words were exchanged, the assailant followed Green outside and stabbed him once before Brown decided to show off his 4.58 speed and took off running.

Yesterday, Baltimore County police released video of the attacker chasing Green after he stabbed him. Personally, if I were Green I would be a little pissed that this video was released. Eventhough he endured a violent attack, his teammates now have an endless source of joke production complete with video reference. The fact that Green is 6'2, 245lbs, and the police are looking for a suspect that's "5 feet 10, with a thin build" probably doesn't help either.

Maybe the NFL should start offering self defense classes since NFL players seem prone to coming out on the wrong side of altercations. I.E. Ken Hamlin, Roderick Green, Fred Miller(though it was his own teammate doing the facial reconstruction).

Or maybe next year every 40 yard dash participant gets a little knife wound before running so they're fully prepared for life in the NFL.

On a completely unrelated note, I've heard that Ray Lewis is an avid bowler. Someone might want to check into that.

World Cup All-Name Team

One of the most intriguing aspects of the World Cup are all the unique names that the players have. Many of them go by only one name which only enhances their "cool factor", and some of them are related to historical figures. I've decided to put together a WC team using players with names that I found particularly unique, humorous or meaningful.

I only used 11 players(1GK, 4DEF, 4MID, 2FOR), so there are a number of interesting names that didn't make the list. Also, the players were selected from the teams that made it to the Round of 16, regardless of whether they played a lot of minutes or not. Let's face it, if your team didn't make it further than the U.S., then who really cares how unique or cool your players are?

-HEADBUTT THE SELECTIONS HERE-
Goalkeeper, Jose Corona(MEX) Think about the marketing opportunities available with a goalie who has "Corona" on his back. Free beer for everyone!

Defenders, Ulises De La Cruz(ECU), Per Mertesacker(GER), Massimo Oddo(ITA), Cafu(BRA) Here we get our first single name selection. At first I thought that going by only one name should make for an automatic selection. Then I realized that Brazil would take over half of the team. So, in the defender spot, we get Cafu. It's very unique, and there are plenty of acronyms to be made using the "FU". Ulises makes the list because he shares his name with a character of Roman mythology(yeah, the spelling is a bit off). The old school Ulysses fought in the Trojan War which isn't much different than getting slidetackled in the family jewels. Massimo Oddo gets the nod because Massimo sounds pretty badass, and when combined with Oddo it just rolls off of the tongue. Per Mertesacker is also on the list because I'm sure life wasn't easy as a kid. Imagine all of the "sack" jokes poor old Per was subject to. Hell, imagine all of the "Per" jokes he endured. At the very least the taunting should provide some motivation, even if it does result in a red card in the first minute.

Midfielders, Zinedine Zidane(FRA), Kaka(BRA), Ronaldinho(BRA), Torsten Frings(GER) Forget the headbutt, Zidane has a badass name. Seriously, he sounds like a villain from an old Bond flick. He would definitely give Connery all that he could handle. Kaka shows up because inside all of us men there's a little boy waiting to get out(and not in the Michael Jackson type of way). Kaka's name reminds us of the different ways we can refer to "number 2". Ronaldinho sparks images of a soccer playing dinosaur with bright red hair, and going by just one name does make you cooler. How awesome would it be to see the real Ronaldinho with bright red hair? Torsten is sort of a darkhorse. His name is very unique, but it doesn't refer to body functions or body parts. However, it is pretty close Frink which is a humorous character from one of the best shows of all time. Now if they could get him to put on a labcoat for every match that would be funny.

Forwards, Ruud Van Nistelrooj(NED), Jesus Arellano(MEX) Finally, we have the forwards. First up is Ruud(pronounced "Rude"). Right off the bat you know there's no messing around with this guy. If you taunt him during the match, and he ends up stomping on your balls, you have no one to blame but yourself. After all he was forthcoming with information about his personality. For the last forward spot we get Jesus. I can only imagine the type of celebrations he could come up with after scoring. Perhaps an immaculate conception one where a female fan in the stands hides a soccer ball under her shirt and pulls it out after he scores? And maybe instead of calling it a "hat trick" when he scores three goals, they call it "summoning the three wisemen".

All in all, I think that this is a pretty good inaugural World Cup All-Name team. Obviously, with the limited spaces some players are going to be left off. Feel free to submit any participants that you believe should be on the squad from the teams that made it to the Round of 16.

Goodbye Soccer For Another Four Years

The World Cup is over, and Italy has been crowned the victors. It's time to hang up those cleats for another four years.

Unfortunately for soccer fans in the U.S. that's pretty close to the truth. I would never consider myself to be a soccer afficianado, at least not at this point in my life. I watched as many World Cup matches as my work schedule would allow(*cough cough* I need to go home to watch the France vs Portugal match...er...I mean rest), and really got into the whole WC "thing".

Now that it's over I look longingly to 2010, and realize that four years is a long time to wait for a sporting event. Sure, the MLB season seems to drag on for four years, but in reality it's only 20 months(really it does seem to take forever).

The biggest problem is that there isn't much here in the States to replace WC action with. The MLS is painful to watch, and yes I've tried. Picking up games from overseas is great, though the time difference can even make that a bit difficult. I guess what I'm wishing for is a league with quality, meaningful games that aren't interrupted every 15 seconds by some talking head trying to sell me something I don't really need.

However, maybe that's what makes the World Cup so special. The fact that its trophy is only presented once every four years. That the stars are guys with beautiful footwork and one word names. And fans in the States only get to see them in primetime once every 1,460 days.

Buffalo Springfield Foreshadowing Sports Related Occurences?

I'm sure many of you have heard the song by Buffalo Springfield titled "For What It's Worth". In case your memory needs some assistance in recalling it here's the chorus:

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

I've heard the song many times, but when I heard it again the other day something caught my attention. No, it wasn't the wonderful humming. It was a particular line that seemed a bit prophetic to me.

What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side

Instantly I thought of the Miami Heat, and the victory parade that followed them winning the NBA title. Forty years after the song had been written the Heat were indeed having a "field day" with thousands of people in the streets.

Believing that this was no coincidence, I decided to dig a bit deeper into the song.

The first verse contains the lyrics:

There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware

Could this be alluding to Chris Henry's brush with the law in Orlando in January? Perhaps he wasn't engaged in an argument with someone when he pulled out his Luger. Maybe he was trying to warn them about the overpriced churros at Epcot.

Towards the end of the song there's another verse that seems to apply to current sports related events.

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

Obviously this has to be referring to Darren Daulton. He seems to have falled off of his rocker, and down into a giant wormhole of weirdness. He also comes off as being a bit paranoid. Perhaps he should listen to what Stephen Stills is trying to tell him about the man coming and taking him away. Though, if they did have to pick up Mr. Daulton I bet you he would be wearing a hat made of tinfoil.