Chris Mortensen, ESPN Mobile's Savior?

Ok, we can all admit that ESPN's venture into the cell phone industry hasn't really played out too well. Deadspin.com has been keeping a running tally of sorts pertaining to the failure, and several financial analysts have suggested that ESPN should just pull the plug altogether. However, it seems that ESPN is pulling out all of the stops to try and right the ship.

They're actually advertising a contest whereby the lucky winner gets to have Mort present at their fantasy draft. Or so you think. The fine print includes a clause that states "Chris Mortensen's appearance is subject to availability. If Chris Mortensen is unavailable to attend event for any reason, an alternate personality as determined solely by Sponsor will participate in his absence."

So, maybe Mort has a round of golf with Boomer that day, and he can't make it, so ESPN decides to send Mel Kiper Jr. Not a bad substitution. But Kiper is busy changing the oil in his hair...er...SUV, and he won't be able to make it either. The bigwigs at ESPN, who were smart enough to go through with ESPN Mobile to begin with, figure that maybe John "The Professor" Clayton could assist you. The only problem is that he and Sean Salisbury are involved(*ALLEGEDLY*) in some post-brokeback cuddling, and neither of them will be there to tell you who to draft(definitely Ricky Williams).

Eventually, the ESPN higher-ups have thumbed through their entire rolodex, but they remember about someone they removed from their Blackberries long ago. Yep, you guessed it, Stephen A. Smith! Soon, he's on his way to your house to yell at you about something he has no knowledge of(just like "Quite Frankly").

Seriously, if it gets that far just ask for a bottle of Kiper's hair grease, one of Boomer's old sportcoats, some footage from the cutting room floor of "Bonds on Bonds" and call it a night. Besides, do you really want Mort, or Stephen A. to know where you live?

Actually, I might sign up for this thing just so I can sport a "Your With Me, Leather" t-shirt while some ESPN "personality" laments the fact that he's been reduced to directing fantasy football drafts.