So, this is what it's come to? The '07 college football season has been so wacky, so fraught with chaos that even the most rabid fan needs help making it through the day. As week 9 looms, you find it hard to sleep between dreams of Corso putting on some mascot head and the cold sweats. And eventhough the prospect of four of the top five ranked teams losing this week(end) knots your stomach and increases your heart rate, have no fear because I'll guide you through it(at least the best I can between cold sweats and Corso hallucinations).
6:00PM(EST): Hopefully you've gathered the necessary items for college football viewing in advance, and have made it home from work, class, selling plasma for said necessities by this time. Getting home by 6pm gives you ample time to do one of two things. If you're going out, you have time to take a shower and get buzzed. If you're staying home, then you have extra time to get buzzed. Kickoff isn't until 7:30PM so you're going to need to pace yourself. We don't want you falling asleep before the fourth quarter and missing a signature Beamer special teams play that changes the game, do we? I didn't think so. Beer is probably the best choice because you can regulate its intake and keep track of quantity easier. However, if you have a sick day, then don't hesitate in pouring some whiskeys. After all, that's really what Coach Beamer's tough defense is drinking out of those Gatorade bottles.
While Boise State at Fresno State should provide some entertainment on Friday night, don't let it distract you from the goal of getting up in time on Saturday to get prepared. Someone in the college football world isn't familiar with hangovers because they've scheduled the West Virginia/Rutgers tilt for a 12:00PM kickoff. I recommend having some BC Powder and greasy food on hand to help get your system stabilized for this contest. Water, or any American light beer, should help with the rehydration process, though the sudden movements by Slaton, White and Devine won't do anything for the headache. However, should #6 WVU fall you can rejoice in knowing that another one loss, top 10 team has now become a two loss team.
Saturday Early Afternoon
During the WVU/Rutgers game you might be tempted to check on some other games. In the early stage, I recommend Colorado at Texas Tech. Tech will be looking to rebound after a bad loss against Missouri last week, and their high scoring offense should help you feel better(points cure disease in case you didn't know). For the most part, there really isn't too much else to check out before the 3:00PM hour, which means you can relax a bit in the early going to make sure you can power through the evening. A light intake of beer should get you back on your feet, and motivated for future challenges.
Saturday Mid Afternoon
By now, you should be in full swing. Ray Rice, Steve Slaton and Pat White running all over in the WVU/Rutgers contest have invigorated you and you're ready to see USC and Oregon kickoff at 3:00PM. Now would probably be a good time to crack open the liquor cabinet. Though, don't go too strong too early or you'll be gassed in no time. Since it's Pac-10 football, and USC and Oregon at that, there should be no shortage of points and dazzling plays. You'll probably be hungry by this point, but I advise against you going anywhere. The afternoon is just getting cranked up, and you don't want to miss anything. If you've neglected to stock up beforehand(chips, dip, fried chicken, sandwiches, stuff to grill if there's a TV nearby), then I suggest ordering a pizza. Not only do you get something to eat, but the pizza guy might even be a college football fan who will appreciate you letting him watch some highlights in between getting stiffed on tips.
Just 30 minutes in to the USC/Oregon game the "World's Largest Cocktail Party" begins. Well, actually that's been going since Thursday, but the game is set for a 3:30PM kickoff. Florida and Georgia always play tough, and seeing Tim Tebow stiffarming and passing will undoubtedly get the adrenaline flowing. Good. Harness that energy because there is some channel flipping you might want to do.
This year's Texas/Nebraska isn't what it has been in years past, but they usually put on a good show. If Nebraska gets down big early, then we might even get to see Bill Callahan fired while on the sideline at an opposing stadium. Though, it would probably be in his best interest because Norman isn't exactly the safest place for him right now.
Also kicking off in the 3:30PM hour are the USF/UConn and Clemson/Maryland games. Right now, UConn sits atop the Big East standings and should put up a decent fight against USF. Clemson should roll over Maryland, but watching the Davis/Spiller combo is always fun.
Those four games will keep your brain entertained and your liver saturated until the Saturday evening games begin around 7:00PM.
If you've made it this far, then you should be proud of yourself. You haven't succumbed to the pressures of the early games, only to miss the fireworks that the late ones have to offer(see Auburn/LSU week 8). Leading off is the Kansas/Texas A&M game at 7:00PM. It might not seem like much, but Kansas has quietly crept into the top 10 in the BCS. However, their toughest match-up has been playing an away game at K-State. Besides, watching the nimble refrigerator known as the "J-Train" run over linebackers and defensive backs is always loads of fun. Take comfort in the fact that some poor DB is going to catch a wicked stiffarm, and will probably feel worse than you come Sunday morning.
Forty minutes later Spurrier and Fulmer square off again, both coming off bad losses. When these two get together there is no shortage of hate and gamesmanship. I suggest switching from whatever you were drinking to whiskey at this point since the Irish consider it the "Water of Life". If you've been drinking it all along, then you should be commended for not breaking your TV and setting fire to the dining room table.
At 8:00PM, we get to see the #1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes travel to Happy Valley to face the Penn State Nittany Lions. Many believe that Ohio State has moved to number one mostly by default, and that Beaver Stadium at night will be their toughest test so far. It's also going to be a tough test for you, but power through knowing that you'll be rewarded later in the evening.
By now, you're probably feeling the effects of being a hardcore college football fan. Those last seven games(at the very least) have taken their toll on you, but the combination of power food(grease and cholesterol fuel all!) and power drinking has you primed and ready for the late night games. Even if you are seeing triple. With any luck, someone in the top 5 has been upset, which only adds fuel to your fire. I suggest switching to liquor of choice/energy drink at this time. You're going to need something, no matter how artificial, to assist you from this point forward.
Saturday Late Night/Sunday Morning
Yes, it's 10:00PM, and you could be getting ready to go out on the town, but then you would miss the Cal/Arizona State game. Unless by "going out" you mean getting a ride to the nearest sports bar to continue binging. ASU has moved up to #4 in the BCS on the strength of being undefeated. However, their real season starts this weekend against Cal(they follow that up with Oregon, UCLA, USC), a team that was "#1" for about half a game. Now, the Golden Bears are reduced to smashing another team's hopes into tiny pieces. Besides, anytime that DeSean Jackson is on the field you have the potential for excitement. Make sure to check your supply stock in case you need to place a call for some reinforcements.
As the Cal/ASU game is winding down, the New Mexico State/Hawaii one will be heating up. This isn't a game with much importance, but Hawaii at home is always fun. Plus, how often can you watch college football until 3AM? Besides, Hawaii enjoys scoring tons of points in their home stadium, and you do remember what I said about points making you feel better, right? By this point in time I'm sure you're going to need it.
So, enjoy all of the college football action this week(end). It's sure to entertain and baffle even the most hardcore fan. And remember to view(and consume) responsibly.
Good luck, and be sure to have your hangover remedy on hand for Sunday. Trust me, it's going to be put to good use.