Thursday, February 07, 2008

Objects That Were In The Rearview Are Now On The Bench


Poor Jimmy Clausen. First, he has trouble getting enough Dep hair gel in South Bend, and now he has to share the bench with another 5-star quarterback recruit. Yes Jimmy, you thought that Evan Sharpley was your only competition, but Coach Weis has brought in a new guy to challenge you. And he didn't even need a stretch Hummer to get him around.

Our scene is set in a typical greasy spoon type diner. Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis is sitting on one side of a booth with a plate stacked high with powdered doughnuts sitting in front of him. Across the table from him, sitting on the other side of the booth, is brand new, 5-star quarterback commitment Dayne Crist. As they sit discussing the Notre Dame offense, an obviously irate Jimmy Clausen enters the diner and makes a beeline for the booth.


Clausen: What the fuck is this coach?

Weis: (Wipes powdered sugar from lips, brushes off ND polo shirt)It's your new teammate son. Meet Dayne Crist. I believe that you two grew up near each other.

Clausen: Teammate? But he's a fucking quarterback! Didn't you see me getting my ass kicked out there last season? You should have recruited a stretched Hummer full of offensive linemen for fuck's sake!

Weis: (Tired from eating dougnuts, rests his head on the table)Jimmy, you're still my guy, but we needed an insurance policy in case you got hurt. I mean, those hits do add up over time. Just ask Drew Bledsoe. Don't worry Jimmy, you and Evan can battle it out in the spring, and I know that you'll give it your all.

Clausen: Look, I told you to call me J-Claus. You know, like "Santa Claus" except I bring fucking wins to everyone.

Crist: (In a muffled tone)Guess they all got a shitload of coal last year then.

Clausen: What's that? Nevermind. Anyway, look at this douche, he's not even fit to carry my man-purse full of hair styling products. Look at these spikes! Sonic the Hedgehog would give his little, left hedgehog testicle for some shit like this!

Weis: (his breathing has become labored, and he's turning a bit pale)Listen J-Claus, or whatever gay shit you want to be called, I'm the coach and I'm running this show. So just calm down. Why don't you throw on some "Rebel Yell", and pretend you're Billy Idol?

Clausen: I don't listen to punk shit coach. I roll straight westside style, and you two are lucky I'm not in here bustin' caps. But don't worry, you haters aren't gonna keep me down. I'm heading out right now to do some practicing, and come spring I'm gonna smoke all the pretenders. J-Claus is outta here.

With that, Jimmy Clausen heads for the door, giving a middle finger salute to the diner patrons that have turned around to see what the commotion was. Meanwhile, Coach Weis has apparently slipped into a coma.

Crist: Coach? Coach are you ok? Ah fuck, you mean I have to deal with that whiny, crybaby bitch by myself? Oh well, I'm sure the offensive line is tired of him complaining. San Diego State might not be that good, but one well timed "missed" block and I'll be leading the Irish in no time!


To be continued...

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