Tuesday, June 19, 2007

College Recruits, We Get Older But They Stay The Same Age(Or Get Younger)

For the second year in a row, the University of Southern California has locked up a talented eight-grade prospect. Yes, that's right, Tim Floyd went all to "Catch A Predator" again and sweet talked Ryan Boatwright, a kid who hasn't even played a game on a high school court. Oh, what's that, you didn't realize that Tim Floyd was the middle school version of a "basketball predator"? Well, last year he persuaded Dwayne Polee Jr. to give him a little oral commitment. I guess someone's going to have to tell Floyd that he has to re-register as a predator since he moved from New Orleans. Chris Hansen is a good option.


Seeing as how two eighth-graders have committed to playing college basketball in the past two years, and how competitive recruiting has become, I thought it would be a good idea to examine some of the other prospects that could be committing in the upcoming months. So, here are five recruits that are currently terrorizing the sandbox, swingset and recess street hoops games.

Jonathan Moses, 6th grade, 5'10"/135lbs. Prospective colleges: Florida, Washington, Duke. Moses is a gifted "big man". He already dwarfs most of his classmates at close to six feet tall, and he never gets picked last in any pickup games. He has to improve his footwork, and work on quitting sucking his thumb between timeouts. Florida is the leading candidate because they believe that they've found a player with Joakim Noah's..ahem.."skills".

Donnie "Double QP" Walters, 7th grade, 5'3"/155lbs. Prospective colleges: St. John's, Syracuse, Pittsburgh. Walters is the definitive "lane clogger". Hell, he's been clogging school toilets since 2nd grade. His conditioning is poor, and he doesn't have a very good jumpshot. However, he can box out and bang down low with the best of them, and his ability to snatch rebounds is impressive given the amount of weight he has to move. St. John's is the current leader in the recruiting race due to Manhattan having the highest concentration of McDonald's in the world. Yeah, that "QP" stands for quarter pounder, a staple of Donnie's diet.

Winston "Wrist Rocket" Madison, 5th grade, 4'9"/80lbs. Prospective colleges: Duke, Texas A&M, Ohio State. Madison has excellent court vision, and supreme passing skills. He's garnered the "Wrist Rocket" nickname because of the way he can thread the needle with passes during one recess session, and then knock out the entire class in dodgeball during the next one. He's also got good quickness, and can take every challenger he's faced off the dribble. Though, he's only competed against a pretty weak selection of private school opponents. Duke is favored to grab him because of his equally impressive academic achievements, and his propensity to drink too much apple cider, pop the collar on his Polo shirt, and drive his Little Tykes Hummer H2. Welcome to Durham, J.J. Redick Jr.!


Jermaine Jordan, 8th grade, 5'5"/125lbs. Prospective colleges: UNC, Texas, Arizona. Jordan is the consumate slasher/scorer, and his career average to date of 18ppg reflects that. He can take opponents off the dribble, and utilizes screens and picks effectively. He can be lazy on the defensive end at times, and relies on his athletic ability too much instead of sharpening his skills as a defender. Because of his last name he draws obvious comparisons to MJ. UNC is in the lead because they see a future "Air Jordan".


James "Old Man" Olsen, 5th grade, 5'9"/130lbs. Prospective colleges: Ohio State, LSU, UMass. Yes, that's Olsen's class photo from 5th grade. He can post-up down low, and has enough mobility to move in and out of the paint with the ball. He also has to shave twice a day. Ohio State is currently leading the recruiting battle due to their strength in recruiting players that look 50 years older than they actually are.

So there you have it. Just a few of the recruits that you could see signed by D-1 schools in the next few months as the recruiting wars heat up. However, the colleges better be careful not get caught up by Chris Hansen.

I'm Chris Hansen with NBC Dateline, exactly what were you looking for by coming here...

3 comments:

BlainMcDowell said...

That's the funniest article I've read in a long time. I laughed out loud in my cubicle and got some very strange looks. Priceless.....

Chris said...

Same here. Great article.

BDoc said...

Thanks for the comments. I'm glad you guys liked it, and that I could provide some humor today. Maybe I should also thank Tim Floyd for his neverending quest to lock up the middle school ballers.